he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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