just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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