i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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