i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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