yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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