I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
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his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
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Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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