mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
