How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
