Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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