And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
