Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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