Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
