Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
