I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize