And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Is it because I queefed?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
