Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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