Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Swine flu is the new snow day.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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