Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
