Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Randomize
