like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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