there's paper in my vomit.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
