just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
