you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
