u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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