Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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