I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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