i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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