last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
