she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
