Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
