Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Your penis caused this!
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