Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
