Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
