Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
