A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We had to coat check the pizza.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
