just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
