she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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