I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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