Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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