btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
