My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
