You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
