I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
