Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
