Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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