What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
