why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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