i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
