I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
