soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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