I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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