I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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