I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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