Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
