I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
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We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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