Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
