Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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