Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
