apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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