Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
